Protocol and Etiquette - The Differences

By Mistress Aiko Gaea
http://slurl.com/secondlife/Isle of Shadows/154/165/504

I’m often asked by students at the Isle of Shadows about protocol and etiquette. Though we teach a class or classes which refer to both, I think it’s necessary that folks understand the difference between the two. They are often confused with one another as by their very nature can be ambiguous.

These two very important words encompass respect, common sense and are inherent to all BDSM relationships and the BDSM Community as a whole.

Unfortunately within our community, perhaps by assumption or ambivalence we don’t concentrate on their meanings, after all it’s only a small part of BDSM, right?

I personally think that is the wrong way to look at it. Each and every aspect of a BDSM relationship and our lifestyle is an integral part. They all work together. Understanding and knowledge is one of the tenets of our lifestyle. So ultimately we must look deeper into even what may seem like mundane things, to see the distinction and to understand their deeper meaning.

Those in the lifestyle should know the distinction between protocol and
etiquette. The distinction, though subtle, is significant.

Etiquette, can be described as a set of conventions or practices that are based in common sense, and are usually, but not always, followed within the
community as a whole.

These conventions may not be universally used or even understood, and are not necessarily enforceable, but are generally considered rules of
politeness which help people to interact with each other within our lifestyle.

Several examples of etiquette immediately come to mind. One example is the etiquette that one does not touch another's toys, including someone else’s submissive or their collars. It is almost universally recognized, and a breach of etiquette that may indeed get someone excluded from the community or from groups within the community because of the breach whether it was knowingly done or not.

However, this particular example of etiquette is not absolutely universal, and those new to the lifestyle cannot be expected to know that etiquette, although we often think a person should, as a matter of common sense, recognize it.

When a newcomer breaches this convention, usually someone will take
that person aside and quietly explain the social mistake that person has committed.

Another example is whether one talks to another's submissive without permission. The typical approach is the safe one of asking permission or for an ok to do so. Only where the Dominant has made it absolutely clear that conversations, greetings or hugs are always ok, will another Dominant or submissive understand there is no necessity of asking permission.

The point here is that there is no need for someone to ask what the convention is, if one follows common sense, general rules of politeness and good judgment, respect. There is no need to ask what is appropriate to people in a given relationship. So etiquette may be considered social politeness within our community and lifestyle as a whole.

Protocol is completely different. Protocols are specific rules between a smaller set of persons, usually in some form of relationship such as a Dominant-submissive or bdsm family relationship. These rules can be quite elaborate and are specific to that particular relationship.

It is also necessary to communicate those rules in advance to someone, and for that person to accept those rules, if they are to be followed. More importantly, those outside the relationship cannot and should not be expected to honor or even know those rules.

One example of a protocol might be one where a submissive in a D/s relationship is expected never to use furniture in his/her Dominant's presence. This rule must be communicated, and it requires commitment to honor that rule. However, those in the community at large cannot be expected to know that the couple follow that rule, and the couple cannot expect others in the community to follow it. Though some friends or acquaintances may know of this rule, it is relationship specific to the people involved in the relationship.


 

Perhaps the best example of this distinction is the use of the honorific "Sir" "miss" or "Ma’am".
The etiquette is that it is polite for a submissive (or a Dominant, for that matter) to use those honorifics, if they desire to, and if they feel the person they are talking to merits them, but it is not required between members of the community as a whole, as a matter of etiquette.

However, when one is in a D/s relationship, the Dominant can require that the submissive address him/her in that manner or in a similar manner, as a matter of protocol between the two of them.

Let's apply this example in real life. When I am at lifestyle social events, others in the community may or may not address me as Mistress, Miss or Ma’am. I don't require it and I don't feel bad if the title is not applied. Nevertheless, when it is, it feels good, and I tend to think the person who did so is wonderfully perceptive and polite. But it is not required, and I cannot expect others in the community, especially newcomers, to use it. That is
the etiquette of the situation.

However, if someone approaches me for mentoring, protection, training, or for purposes of submitting to me, I can, and do, make explicit my expectations and rules for them, in their relationship with me.

One of those rules is that they are to call me Mistress.
If they accept that rule (and others, of course), then the relationship continues. They are also free not to accept that rule or other rules, in which case I can (and do) choose not to enter into the relationship. I also cannot expect others to know or to follow it. It is a rule of the relationship. In other words, it is a protocol.

Other examples of protocols can include: heeling to the left, "no talk" rules, postures, manner of service, forms of address, type of dress and, frankly anything else one can think of.

In summary here are the distinctions between the two,

etiquette…

Is a generally recognized convention, but is not a rule.
Generally applies in the community as a whole.
Is not "enforceable".
Is almost, but not completely, universally recognized in the community.
Is usually, but not always, followed.
Is based on common sense.
Is usually based on concepts of politeness.

 

Protocol…

Is a rule, and not a convention.
Is something that has been explicitly communicated and accepted.
Is particular to a relationship, and not to the community as a whole.
Is something those outside the relationship can NOT be expected to know or to follow.
Is enforceable within the relationship, but not outside it.
Can be (and often is) different or distinct from normal etiquette.

 

Though this may seem like nit picking, the distinctions are important and often overlooked. Within our community politeness, common sense, and rules are integral. If we misinterpret them or apply them incorrectly it reflects on each of us and the community as a whole.

Aiko Gaea is owner and head Mistress of the Isle of Shadows BDSM Community, lead instructor at House of Shadows training facility and has been in SL over 2 years participating in various BDSM lifestyle groups. She has over 7 years real life and online experience in the BDSM lifestyle. Aiko is a frequent guest speaker in RL at universities and trade shows throughout the US on risk management and construction safety and holds degrees from Boston College in criminal justice/psychology and business management.